Counselling » RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

Interdependent Couples

What makes interconnections healthy is interdependency, not codependency. Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy (the ability to function independently). When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, to desire closeness, to be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. They can allow for each other’s differences and honor each another’s separateness. Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest. They can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom. There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.

By Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Trust is a two-way street in relationships. In order to truly build a partnership with your significant other or spouse, you must rely on trusting one another. Little white lies, betrayals and secrets can destroy a relationship and cause one or both of you to not only lose trust in each other, but also in yourselves. Trust develops, based on the way partners treat each other, according to Dr. Kevin D. Arnold, in his article, “Do I Trust You Anymore?” on Psychology Today. Arnold asserts that trust grows when partners take care of each other with a willingness to sacrifice their own needs.

Our friends and family are so important in our lives most of our life. They have both been an important part of our development. Our parents have helped us become who we are from birth. They are our role models of who we may end up with in a romantic relationship. Our friends have been important in our social development and have usually supported us in our decisions and have usually been honest about what they see as good or not so good in those we get involved with. They can both be a positive or negative factor in developing a life long relationship. In counselling if friends and family become an issue we can look at to help resolve issues.

As a relationship becomes more serious, the money conversation becomes more serious as well. Being open about money matters and negotiating who pays for what and what each expects from the other regarding how money is used reveals a lot about each other’s values, maturity, and responsibility. As the relationship progresses and the couple begins to think about a future together, differences in attitudes and habits around money become more important. How they work together to resolve those differences is one of the many indicators of how the two of them will handle important and sticky issues as they become a couple. (Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.)

Money can become a huge issue in a relationship, especially if both people come from different ways of looking at and working with money.

When you asked long-married couples why they are splitting up, the most common answer is “We just grew apart.” This is a little frightening to those of us who hope to have long, happy marriages. What exactly does this mean? And can it just happen to me too?

I believe that it can happen to any of us – if we’re not careful. But I don’t believe that it “just” happens. It’s the result of some critical choices we make along the way. And it’s sometimes oh-so difficult to choose well and wisely.

I think the three most common explanations for this growing apart phenomenon (based on no studies whatsoever!) are boredom, the development of separate lives and the way couples deal with life’s stressors. (Emuna Braverman)

We have to be aware, as much as possible, that this can happen unless we pay attentin. How do we do that?

Without doubt, there are big problems that afflict relationships; infidelity, abuse, and addiction are not perishing from the earth. A highly sexualized society delivers an alluring drumbeat of distractions. But it may be the petty problems that subvert love most surreptitiously. The dirty socks on the floor. The way our partner chews so loudly. Like the relentless drip of a leaky faucet, they erode the goodwill that underlies all relationships. Before you know it, you feel unloved, unheard, and underappreciated, if not criticized and controlled. Intimacy becomes a pale memory.

Yet irritations are inevitable in relationships. It's just not possible to find another human being whose every quirk, habit, and preference aligns perfectly with yours. The fundamental challenge in a relationship, contends New York psychiatrist John Jacobs, is "figuring out how to negotiate and live with your partner's irritants in a way that doesn't alienate them and keeps the two of you connected." When marriages don't work, he adds, often the partners are fighting not over big issues but over petty differences in style. (Jay Dixit, published on March 01, 2009 - last reviewed on September 25, 2014 )

According to Dr. Phil, how you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship.

A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)

"Disagreements are going to occur," says Dr. Phil. "The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You'll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition, that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It's not a competition, it's a partnership."